The Wolfpack Files

Have you ever felt like you had no control over anything in your life? I haven't hit that point just yet; I have control over a few things, but not the things I wish I had control over. For instance, I still control when I wake up in the morning, and when I go to sleep at night. I control what I eat during the day, and when I eat it.

A few friends and I entered a film competition that occured last weekend, and out of the 26 teams that entered, we ended up in second place. We got a small cash prize, which wasn't even announced until today, and get the opportunity to shoot a commerical for a new TV station that will be received by 10-15 million people across the U.S. We also get to shoot a PSA for the movie theater they own. On top of that, a couple of people from this competition and I are entered in another similar competition starting in August. All that, I have control over. Sure the decision-making is a group process, but I at least have some say in the matter. I feel like my opinion matters and makes a difference. I wrote the short that won second place, and had a large hand in the direction of it. I may have been overruled a few times, but there were times when my opinion won. That's not total control, but at least some control.

On the other hand, much to my dismay, there are two girls I like, neither of whom feel the same way about me (no shock of course in my life, but still not something I enjoy feeling). One girl I like, is now dating someone else. I met him for the first time tonight and I had to do everything in my power to keep my mouth shut and not say anything bad. The other girl I like (and yes, I realize I sound like I'm in high school, so sue me) has finally moved closer to me, and ironically I spend less time talking to her (at least that's more ironic than anything Alanis ever sang about). Granted, I've seen her twice in the last week, but one time I was working so I didn't talk to her much, and tonight we were in a group, so again, I didn't talk to her much. And within this group, I was the oldest by at least a decade. When I hang out with the three girls I know best, I'm fine. But when others are added to the mix, I suddenly feel out of place. Mind you it didn't help that this guy was sitting across the table and whether or not they were holding hands under the table didn't really matter, because I thought they were, and really, the only thing that would have been worse if they had been making out, and the other girl had picked up some guy at the restaurant. Of course had all that happened I wouldn't be sitting here writing right now, I'd be lying face first in a puddle outside of my apartment building.

Feelings. That is what I have no control over. You'd think something as personal as that would be easy to control. I mean, if I decide I hate a TV show, I can change the channel. If I like a song, I can turn up the volume. But if I like a girl, I can do nothing (or so it would appear from my track record). And with the friend that just moved home, I don't even have any control over when we can be friends. I know that sounds odd, but she's studying for her boards, which I understand is very important, and she needs to study her heart out to do well, but at the same time, it's not easy for me. There was a time when I'd talk to her online a few times a day, and on the phone once or twice a day. Now if I get to talk to her combined for a few minutes, I'm lucky. And it's all about when she's free. It's not like I can call just to say hi, since she turns off her cell phone so she's not bothered. It's only when she takes a break, or when she's done studying. I have no control. And while, like I said earlier, I understand completely how important it is for her to study, and I knew this would happen when she came back to the area, I never fully comprehended how hard it would be on me. Theories are great, but you never really know how you'll react to something until it actually happens.

So now, what do I do? Amazingly enough, in my professional life, I have a few things going on, but even with all that, with all the great things that are happening, every night I go to bed sad, because I have no control over my feelings. And to put it bluntly, it sucks. So even though I can turn up the volume on the song I'm listening to right now, and I can change the channel anytime an annoying Catwoman commercial comes on, I can do nothing about my heart.